Tag Archives: reasons

Becoming a… choosing to… leaping…

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by in All Posts, Creative Process

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Its a strange feeling, being between lives.

I’ve a good sense of who I am and what I want… its just making that choice, stepping, with both feet at once (a leap, really) into the future I’ve turned towards. It looks like I’ve chosen, but I’m not quite committed, not yet.

I’ve burned the bridge back, amicably but definitely.

I’ve been given, handed on a silver platter, an opportunity to make the transition easily, and it still feels so hard because I’m scared.

What if? What if?

I’m deep-down-in-my-very-core terrified. And I know its this way or nothing. It feels so right. I’m scared and certain, at the same time. Fear and desire, those dancing twins.

From the tension, as Thorn has taught me, can be born a new thing, a third thing, a proud thing. I can make a choice, and raise the new-born peacock high.

What am I choosing? What have I turned my caravan* towards?

I’ve chosen to move back to the green hills of Wales (though I’ve kept my job in England as a safety net), I’ve chosen to start writing more seriously, both academically and magically (see the Feyhearted blog for a weekly project which has been weekly for 6 weeks, and is scheduled to be weekly for another 2 weeks already. I’m not only continuing a project, I am actually ahead of deadline! Go me!). I’ve chosen to do what will make me happy, rather than follow the trail of shoulds that have been threatening for a year.

 

I successfully buried an important thing there. Something I don’t really belive but, look! See all the times I do it! I appear to be becoming a…

Writer.

Artist I get. Witch I get. Academic, student, dreamer… all things I’ve long accepted. I still ignore the label ‘writer’. Its important to me. I write all the time. More than I make art. And I have trouble with it. Despite having written a book. Having written many short stories. Having kept a sporadic blog (or 5) for years. Having written essays and dissertations… and having enjoyed the process.

So yes, I’ve chosen to be a writer. Among other things. Since, if you don’t do/know/love other things, what do you write about?!

There are other ways, other commitments I am in the process of making, like actually releasing my old home and becoming present in my new home. This one feels key though… I find, strangely, that I love to write, I long to.

A writer.

Right.

 

 

*Caravan. Yep. Havi is a pirate queen, Eileen has a sailboat. I like stability, I like having a home, I like freedom and colour. I have a gypsy caravan. I might talk more about this later. I might not. We’ll see.

The Effect of Magic

04 Saturday Dec 2010

Posted by in Magic

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I have a long history with magic… as a child I was always wandering off with the fairies, I prayed and I learnt stage magic (and bored/enchanted my family at the tender age of 6 with a full magic show). As I hit puberty I stumbled across Paganism, Witchcraft specifically (the books on UFOs and ghosts held little interest, but the ones which spoke of connecting with the natural world, and learning to affect change in your life, those I devoured!), and I found my feet on a map, one with many paths all roughly leading in the same direction.

And I’ve continued, honing my approach, finding my way, wandering along the edge of paths and trying to find people who think like I do.

The important question here, though, is why? Why do I keep on this path? Why do I hold seemingly-irrational beliefs? Why do I keep a space for the Gods in my home and my heart? Why do I spend time, energy and money tracking down events which speak of these things?

What, in short, are the benefits?!

Well, aside from the rare spellwork I do having rather literal outcomes (which could be coincidence but my pattern-making mind likes to think of as related), its had an effect on me as a peron.

I was blessed with loving parents who brought me up to believe in myself and have confidence to go with the intelligence I inherited. And a touch of arrogance. Thanks Dad 🙂

I’m also naturally fragile, shy, quiet, and suffer horrendously from stage-fright even when not on stage. Or I used to. The magical work I’ve done – reflection, meditation, energy work, self-examination and subsequent development of relationships between all my parts, constant attempts at self-awareness, ritual-work… all these things and more – helped me to feel sure in myself around others. I might not know what to say in daily social situations, but I do know that I’m a person in my own right who doesn’t need to make small talk to be accepted. My friends accept that I’m weird, and I accept that they are too.

Its helped me to recognise when arrogance or insecurity threatens, and to know that that is whats going on. I can then use that information to act in a way of my choosing (at least, I can sometimes, life-long processes here, you know?).

My magical work has helped me to map out the locations I want to pass on my journey through life, and has taught me that I want to experience each step.

It also taught me that I’m not perfect. Important for a Leo to know. And, it taught me that thats ok. I have the confidence to speak out when I think something is wrong at least some of the time, and I have the humility to know that sometimes the other person has a point, even if I still disagree with them!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have greater self-awareness than I used to, and I value that. I also have tools to deal with situations where I notice I’m behaving in ways that don’t feel right to me. I’m gaining integrity, and I’m stronger. Still soft, and yet more able to cope with knocks. I cry less, am happier in myself, and can ignore people who are simply being mean without taking their words personally.

Magic has also encouraged me to challenge myself, so, for example, I took drama A-level to face my stage-fright, and it worked.

In all the ways magic has touched my life, it has helped me to grow, to become more whole, to engage with the world and my own life. It has helped me relax my need for control over my life (somewhat, I still panic when I’m feeling powerless) and has helped me to find more power in myself in my life.

The map is not the territory, many magicians say. Well, no, but a good map helps when you set out on an unexplored path, and each life is exactly that… and magic is a tool kit for navigating the terrain, a tool kit with many maps…

Not only that, but it has a phone which you can use to call for help, or guidance with, or that you can be called on when you need a good kick up the arse.  At the other end are the Gods and guides and Guardians. For which I am grateful, even though I’m not quite sure what they want from me yet!

Philosophy Student and Occasional Fruitloop

23 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Philosophy

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A new project you say? Really???

Yes. I’m going to be posting some of my philosophy essays and writings online at a new blog. In order to keep things simple, I’m going to post the beginnings of those posts here also, and if you like the look of it you are welcome to follow the link to the rest of the essay.

For example… I have written an introductory post explaining why I called this blog ‘Academic Edgewalker’. If you would like to read more click here.

The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly the occasional person has requested a closer look at what I’ve written in these essays. Secondly, the idea terrifies me. I wrote most of whats going on here initially over the four years of my undergraduate degree, and some of them are very weird, some of them are rubbish, and some of them ended in conclusions which run contrary to my actual opinions (or they at least appear to). Its also a risk to put them out there, not only because people might actually read them (which is possible) and think they’re wrong, rubbish or offensive (thats their opinion) but also because part of me would quite like to be an academic, and linking my academic thoughts to my less academic ideas (like the Faery heart project, I mean, what logic lets you believe in faeries, really?) might get me in trouble there.

But, you know, life is short, and I’m either going to be myself, or I’m going to hide and be sad. So, sod that for a laugh. If it gets me laughed at, then I can laugh too, I have written some pretty silly things. If it means I’m seen as unfit for academia, then maybe I don’t actually want to be involved in academia anyway. And if my friends read these and think I’m crazy, well, they know that anyway and still love me. So whats to lose?

And you know what, I’ve actually got some logic that’ll let me argue that believing in Faeries is rational. Maybe one day I’ll share it!

Charcoal Sketching

29 Tuesday Dec 2009

Posted by in Art Craft and Beauty

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I’ve had a brown papered sketchbook since the summer, and charcoal for about forever… and yet neither have been used.

I’ve been drawing from my imagination for ages… and often avoid faces because they just never look right.

Putting these two thoughts together and deciding to do something about it, I spent this evening doing these:

Wonder

Thoughtfulness

And they’re ok. Or rather, they’re pretty good, really. I’m just having trouble not seeing all the slightly wrong bits that make them not quite right. Its the old problem of seeing all the faults that most people really won’t notice at all. I’m quite proud of my efforts, especially when I remind myself that its an unfamiliar medium, and an unfamiliar kind of drawing… I just wish I was better already!

Gotta laugh at myself really.

In fact, that warm feeling of finally having tried both charcoal and faces… I might do another one! The longer its been since I did it, the less I feel like its something I’ve done, which is a feeling I get with other artworks too. I look at things I’ve made a month ago and its like someone else made them, which is great because it means I’m happier with them! Does anyone else get that, or is it just me?

Sketches drawn from photos found through Flickr’s interestingness, find them here and here.

Here Be Dragons…

04 Friday Sep 2009

Posted by in Magic, Storytelling

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Every day the sun rises.

Every day the sun sets.

This year the sun rose and set on the very first Sunrise Camp. A beautiful new venture in magic… a rising of dragons.

A camp which held itself together through sheer determination, and not a little magic. It took a dragon-hearted commitment from the organising team to pull the dragon out of the hat, but we did it. And I’m proud of this fledgling camp.

This was my first year teaching at a Witchcamp, and I’m so grateful Sunrise was my first time.

Let me tell you a story, a story of campers who chose to be dragons.

A story of magic and wonder and strength.

Once upon a time that was, is and shall be, two new campers came away from a Witchcamp in the heart of South West England so inspired that they plotted another camp, one a little different to the gorgeous and luxurious Camp which filled them with such magic.

The years passed and the inspiration became a dream, and the two campers grew a little older (though not much) and a little wiser (and a little more foolish, although who can truly say which is which?) Time danced circles with them, and new relationships grew like flowers in fertile soil.

And one day the dream was planted, like a seed, in the same soil that nurtured the friendships, and so an organising team came together.

Plans hatched and grew and died, and soon, one plan stood out from the rest as yeilding a harvest.

But now Time danced smaller circles, and the dates chosen were so close, with so much to do! But magic has a wondrous way of bringing everything together, and the organisers chose, like the dragons that they are, to make the Sun Rise.

And, of course, it had to.

Sunrise began and the campers came. A new place, a new adventure, new faces, and some that had been around since before the camp-dream was a twinkle of inspiration. Every individual brought something beautiful to the mix, themselves.

They made perfectly imperfect offerings to the Spirit of Dragon, nurturing that force within themselves. They wove a nest of starlight and wonder and love and community and everything that they had to offer. And the egg hatched, and the dragon took flight!

And on wings of magic, the dragon-hearts of the campers also spread their wings, they were challenged, and met the challenges, and received gifts.

They learnt to read the world around them for directions, and to see their own desires in their deepest of dragon hearts.

And each one made a choice, to be themselves, in a world which shies from shining-dragon-hearted people.

We all made a choice to step into the world under our own terms, to shine with our own colours, knowing a little more about ourselves, and claiming our power to shape the world a little to our own designs, so that dragons can fly free and wild again!

Faery Path

27 Friday Mar 2009

Posted by in Faery, Magic

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So… my current projects include learning to play the flute, a course called ‘The Beauty We Love’ on finding and multiplying beauty in our lives (run by Karina of the BlackHeart Feri line), and this: The FeyHearted Path.

Because this is as much a creative endeavour as any of my other crafts, and I would like to bring my magic and my art closer together, I will be posting here about my experiences and with things I make in connection with this.

Painting the background: I’ve always been fascinated by faeries, as a child I’m sure most of us believed in faeries for at least a little while… and I would actively seek them out. And they weren’t just fascinating, they were also a little bit scary, so most of the depictions I came across just didn’t quite capture what I felt. Brian Froud changed that… and then looking into some of the history of faerie paintings and coming across people like John Anster Fitzgerald added to my conviction that it was possible to remember the whoel of the faery lands, not just the twinkly bits.

Come a little further forward and we find, in broad strokes, a twelve year fascination and involvement in Paganism and Magic, and no dimming of my love of all things Faery.

Closer and we find, seven years deep, a love-affair with the tradition of Feri, founded by Victor and Cora Anderson, most recently incarnated as a lengthy study with T. Thorn Coyle. Alongside this is the more community based work and play within Reclaiming.

And closer still, only a month ago now, I find myself at an intensive magical retreat, working with the story of Thomas the Rhymer. A story which echoes through my life, just quietyl, in the background, but consistent, like bells that never stop ringing. The story of humans who pass into Faeryland and back, bringing the magic of Faery closer again.

And I choose. I step firmly onto the path which has called me for so long.

See there, right at the front, thats me, smiling so hard at the beauty of the world, learning how to use the skills I’ve gained over the past decade to remember my deep love… and grinning maniacly at the puzzle pieces falling together, where I can explain philosophically why exactly I feel this is so important, and take people by the hand and show to them the path to their own hearts using magic and art.

Here, finally, the two sides of my life, the crafty, creative, magical side, and the philosophical, wordy, clarity focussed side, can come together into a beautiful display, like a painted fan. Opening to beauty and delight.

If you’re interested, please check out the website, and follow me here using the ‘Feyhearted Path’ Tag! Leave comments and join me. I’ve chosen to walk this path, and I offer this website in service, in the hopes that those who can find heart in it will be able to follow the path which I light.

And the name? Halo of Hamlin? I acquired my flute almost by accident and a friend joked that this was what I should be called now. Given that I hope to lead people between the worlds I figured that this was quite an interesting turn of events. Just, please, be sure you know the way back home…

And so it begins…

22 Thursday Jan 2009

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I might, if I let myself, wonder why I’ve decided to start another blog.

So, before I ask too hard and decide to delete it and save myself the time, let me list the reasons, for myself, and for my guests.

I’ve been reading several crafty blogs recently, and I’ve really enjoyed seeing peoples creations, but more than that, the thought processes and inspirations that they discover, so I am allowing myself some space to muse on my own thoughts and inspirations.

In a similar vein, I kinda want to offer something back to those people who I have found inspirational, and to share with others in a similar position to me.

I have an LJ for random, ‘this-is-whats-happening’ posts, Devaintart for artworks and somewhere on blogspot for just short stories, but nowhere for my more crafty things. As I’d like to put all my creativity in one place somewhat, I thought I’d better find a place to do it.

Finally, this is an act of magic. By gifting myself with this space, and opening up to share with anyone who wants to share with me, I hope to let my creativity really flower.

So, yeah, this is for anything creative I do or think, and for anything inspirational I find that I’d like to share. If anyone wanders through and would like to share, please do.

Hope I can give something back to those that have inspired me, and that this can be a place where I can increase, by just a little, the amount of beauty and delight in the world.