Tag Archives: Honesty

Iron Pentacle – Self

14 Monday Feb 2011

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For the past couple of days I have been sharing thoughts about the points of the Iron pentacle, a meditational tool for self transformation used within the Reclaiming Tradition.

I have spoken of the points of Sex and Pride, and now we move from the bottom, right-hand point up into the left hand point of Self.

Self. Is there even such a thing?

An ancient puzzle poses the question: if all the planks on a ship are replaced, one by one, over the years, is it still the same ship?* And, likewise, we can ask, if every part of our body and personality changes, over the years, are we still the same self when we are old as when we were born?

There is a continuity of memories, of personality, of a body that takes up space through time. This continuity, the combination of our memories, beliefs, personality, energies and body, makes up a whole self. Self shifts and changes over time, growing and transforming.

How can we say, then, that Self could be considered a foundation stone of human existence? Something damaged by our culture and in need of reclamation for many of us?

Self is not some kind of ‘essence’ in this context, I’m not talking of spirits or souls. Self, here, is who we are in the world.

Accusations of selfishness are taken seriously, so seriously that we will often go too far the other way and neglect ourselves. This idea of being self-less is spoken of as though it were the ideal, but to neglect our own needs leaves usless able to help others or to make positive change in the world.

Who you are and who you choose to be are both important.

Look at your self.

What do you do that is by choice? Which roles do you choose for yourself, and which are forced upon you? Which do you fall into, unthinking, simply because it is expected of you? And which are expected of you and you do by choice anyway?

How do you take care of yourself? How do you neglect yourself?

What is in the constellation of yourself? Can you look in the mirror and see yourself for yourself? Can you commit to giving yourself what you need, in body, mind and spirit, wherever possible?

Can you look at the roles you have taken on and see which feel like a good fit, and which you would choose to shed, and which you’d like to grow into?

Take a few moments throughout the day to just breathe and ask yourself if what you are doing right now is good for you, or harmful. And allow yourself to wonder how you would feel if you did what fit you, rather than what you think you should do.

Today is Valentine’s day. Can you give yourself the gift of love? Can you love your Self, who you are and who you choose to be?

 

*The Ship of Theseus

Iron pentacle – Pride

12 Saturday Feb 2011

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“We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” ~ Marianne Williamson

The second point of the Iron pentacle, as we move through the body, from the top point, Sex, to the bottom right, is Pride.

Pride is a cardinal sin for the Christian foundation of our culture.

Pride comes before a fall… the meek shall inherit the earth… and so on…

We are warned against getting big-headed, or too big for our boots. We are chastened against pridefulness, for it leads, we are told, to tripping over our too-big feet.

In our world, today, pride is mistaken for arrogance.

The emphasis on false humility, on self-deprecation, on keeping ourselves small, is all so we do  not rock the boat. If we stand up tall, being as big and as bold and as beautiful as we can be, then we can rock the world! Staying small, denying our ability, denying the ways in which we are great, all this does is deny the world of the best of us.

Pride, right-sized pride, in which we acknowledge what we are and have done and are capable of as a good thing, as something to be proud of, comes alongside right-sized humility. When we recognise our own worth, we can recognise the worth of others.

We are special, we are important, we are unique. And so is everyone and everything else.

We all have our places, we all have things we can do like no-one else.

Be proud of yourself, like you would a child who had acheived something wonderful. Encouragement and self-recognition and acceptance is what will help us to be the best we can be, do the best we can do, and to change the world for the better.

Be proud of yourself, take pride in your work, be proud of the world. In doing this you are not being arrogant, instead you are recognising your worth and what you can do for the world. If you refuse to recognise and act on this then you are denying the world of what you could do for it.

Be proud of yourself, and recognise that others are equally as important to the world. If you place yourself over them, claiming to be more important than they, then this is arrogance. Knowing the ways in which you are better at specific things, and recognising that they have thier own skills and beauties, keeps us balanced. Support each other, praise each other, recognise that we all have value simply by existing.

Notice how you hold yourself in the world, how you value yourself and others. Notice if you are prone to self-deprecation, or to cutting others down. Notice when you belittle what you are proud of, or when you focus on what you feel you have done wrong in order to beat yourself up.

Notice these things and try to shift your language, in just one instance each day.

When someone compliments you, say thank you instead of downplaying it.

When someone does something well, offer praise in a positive way, instead of pointing out the ways in which it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things anyway.

When you do something well, or something hard, don’t hide it away. Put a little comment somewhere on Facebook or Twitter, or say something to a friend about how you feel you did good. Notice where you get good feedback from, and if you get a negative response, consider not sharing the things you are proud of with that person or forum again.

Recognise your own value, and the value of all the beings in the world, and don’t settle for those that try to keep you small because of their own lack of pride.

Breathe. Every day you live through is a gift, and mistakes are worth noting and learning from, but it is not worth letting them define you.

Breathe and draw yourself up to your full height. Be proud.

“Your playing small does not serve the world.”

~ Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

Feyhearted – Pixie Kiss 11 – Seeing Faeries without Sight

11 Friday Feb 2011

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This is the eleventh of a series of suggestions for re-enchanting your life, one pixie kiss at a time. The introduction is here, and you can watch the path unfold here.

I’ve always looked for faeries, and very rarely seen them.

I often feel them, however, or know that they are near.

It turns out that not everyone can translate their experiences into something visual, and that is ok. This means, however, that in a world which emphasises sight so much, we can overlook our own experiences in the pursuit of a pattern which does not suit us, as I did for a long time.

Always looking, rarely seeing, but I knew they were there. I knew there was something to see… when I finally gave up on seeing, I found them.

Don’t worry, then, if you cannot see them. They are still there.

Continue reading →

Trusting

30 Sunday Jan 2011

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There is no such thing as coincidence.

Everything is connected.

The number of times this past year I’ve been worried about something, and the minute I let go and hand it over to Aumakua, my Godsoul and the Godsoul of the universe, when I hand it over to Spirit, God Herself, the Universe, when I just let it go and trust… and the solution arrives.

When I ask for help, it comes.

When I said: I don’t know how I’ll find a new home in the place that I love, but that is where I want to be… paths opened.

When I said: I don’t know how I can afford to live in Wales again, when there seems to be no work there, but it is what I choose and I trust that it will be ok… the next day a way for it to work arrives.

When I said: I have no idea how I can pay these bills and get through this month without landing in a mess… a cheque for a tax refund from 5 years ago arrived in my hand.

This is part of being a witch. I sit with myself and reach an understanding of who I am and what I Will. I make a choice. I Trust that it will all be ok. I step forward. The Universe steps with me.

And other people are doing the same, creating the world. Sometimes my choices are inc onflict with others. Often my choices are in conflict with what I actually Will because I’m not clear enough. I don’t ask for everything I need because of complexes and beliefs which get in the way. I compromise on what I’m askign for because I’m scared to ask for the big thing I actually want.

And I journal and muse and sit and listen. I breathe and connect and hope.

And I’m learning to trust.

Since I began on this path I’ve had message after message – let go. Trust. Leap.

I’m learning to, little by little.

And trust is rewarded in very practical ways.

I am so grateful. Big love to all those beings out there who guide me gently, who push me firmly, who point me at the cliff and remind me that I have wings to fly with.

 

 

***

For a practical discussion of a clearly laid out method for putting ego to one side, getting clear on what you want, and asking for it in a way that gets results, I’d recommend The One Command by Asara Lovejoy. A friend leant me a copy and reading it illuminated exactly what I’d been doing. This stuff works.

Becoming a… choosing to… leaping…

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

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Its a strange feeling, being between lives.

I’ve a good sense of who I am and what I want… its just making that choice, stepping, with both feet at once (a leap, really) into the future I’ve turned towards. It looks like I’ve chosen, but I’m not quite committed, not yet.

I’ve burned the bridge back, amicably but definitely.

I’ve been given, handed on a silver platter, an opportunity to make the transition easily, and it still feels so hard because I’m scared.

What if? What if?

I’m deep-down-in-my-very-core terrified. And I know its this way or nothing. It feels so right. I’m scared and certain, at the same time. Fear and desire, those dancing twins.

From the tension, as Thorn has taught me, can be born a new thing, a third thing, a proud thing. I can make a choice, and raise the new-born peacock high.

What am I choosing? What have I turned my caravan* towards?

I’ve chosen to move back to the green hills of Wales (though I’ve kept my job in England as a safety net), I’ve chosen to start writing more seriously, both academically and magically (see the Feyhearted blog for a weekly project which has been weekly for 6 weeks, and is scheduled to be weekly for another 2 weeks already. I’m not only continuing a project, I am actually ahead of deadline! Go me!). I’ve chosen to do what will make me happy, rather than follow the trail of shoulds that have been threatening for a year.

 

I successfully buried an important thing there. Something I don’t really belive but, look! See all the times I do it! I appear to be becoming a…

Writer.

Artist I get. Witch I get. Academic, student, dreamer… all things I’ve long accepted. I still ignore the label ‘writer’. Its important to me. I write all the time. More than I make art. And I have trouble with it. Despite having written a book. Having written many short stories. Having kept a sporadic blog (or 5) for years. Having written essays and dissertations… and having enjoyed the process.

So yes, I’ve chosen to be a writer. Among other things. Since, if you don’t do/know/love other things, what do you write about?!

There are other ways, other commitments I am in the process of making, like actually releasing my old home and becoming present in my new home. This one feels key though… I find, strangely, that I love to write, I long to.

A writer.

Right.

 

 

*Caravan. Yep. Havi is a pirate queen, Eileen has a sailboat. I like stability, I like having a home, I like freedom and colour. I have a gypsy caravan. I might talk more about this later. I might not. We’ll see.

Feyhearted – Pixie Kiss #6 – Yourself

07 Friday Jan 2011

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This is the sixth post in a series of suggestions for re-enchanting your life, one pixie kiss at a time. The introduction is here, and you can watch the path unfold here.

Who are you?

Who do you dream of being?

To be enchanted without becoming lost it is key to know your own heart, the centre of your self, the home of your soul. So now we turn from the space around us, and the beings that are our allies, and the enchantment already in the world, to face our own selves.

Continue reading →

Snowy Solstice

21 Tuesday Dec 2010

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Standing in the snow in my pyjamas as the clouds lining the sky lightened with dawn, I breathed in the beauty of the Solstice morn.

I gazed at the orange sky above, lit by streetlamps, and smiled at the branches, dark under the snow. I used to climb this tree with a book, just to spend time in its branches.

The sun is beginning its yearly return today, and though its cold and dark now, I know that each night will be shorter, each day longer… much as I love the night, I appreciate being able to walk home from work in daylight!

I’m thinking about goals, desires, choices.

I’m thinking about the movement from the dark into the light…

I understand now how thoughts slowly germinate in the dark, projects and understandings mull over in the depths of my mind until they rise into the light and a decision is made…

Its a slow process, knowing deep down what must be done, and waiting for that deep knowing to become strong enough to grow into choice and action.

It took five years of knowing that I would become vegetarian to actually doing it, because that knowing had to seep into my bones, had to become right on every level, had to become so ingrained in me that my conscious mind accepted it. There are ways to speed this process up, magic, spellworking, NLP, the ‘One Command’… and there is also space for this process to slowly unfold within me. Sometimes, this is the right way.

I am often impatient, and I am finally coming to know, in my bones, that its ok for things to take time, to become strong before they are exposed to the light. If that choice to become vegetarian hadn’t rooted in my bones, I’d have crumbled in the first week when I had to face family and travel and a funeral. If I don’t nurture that hope, that I express but cannot yet state, until it is so strong I cannot deny it, then it will fade in the harsh light of day.

Sometimes things can be acted on right away. Sometimes they need to germinate. And sometimes they germinate for too long and never grow.

Its a fine balance.

I hope I get it right.

How do you do it?

Feyhearted – Pixie Kiss #3 – Understanding

16 Thursday Dec 2010

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This is the third of a series of suggestions for re-enchanting your life, one pixie kiss at a time. The introduction is here, and you can watch the path unfold here.
We started by making some space. Space for enchantment, space for the Fae. For our second step, we began collecting enchantment, in the form of stories.

Now we can open to an understanding of enchantment and look towards how it can ripple into our lives…

Continue reading →

The Effect of Magic

04 Saturday Dec 2010

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I have a long history with magic… as a child I was always wandering off with the fairies, I prayed and I learnt stage magic (and bored/enchanted my family at the tender age of 6 with a full magic show). As I hit puberty I stumbled across Paganism, Witchcraft specifically (the books on UFOs and ghosts held little interest, but the ones which spoke of connecting with the natural world, and learning to affect change in your life, those I devoured!), and I found my feet on a map, one with many paths all roughly leading in the same direction.

And I’ve continued, honing my approach, finding my way, wandering along the edge of paths and trying to find people who think like I do.

The important question here, though, is why? Why do I keep on this path? Why do I hold seemingly-irrational beliefs? Why do I keep a space for the Gods in my home and my heart? Why do I spend time, energy and money tracking down events which speak of these things?

What, in short, are the benefits?!

Well, aside from the rare spellwork I do having rather literal outcomes (which could be coincidence but my pattern-making mind likes to think of as related), its had an effect on me as a peron.

I was blessed with loving parents who brought me up to believe in myself and have confidence to go with the intelligence I inherited. And a touch of arrogance. Thanks Dad 🙂

I’m also naturally fragile, shy, quiet, and suffer horrendously from stage-fright even when not on stage. Or I used to. The magical work I’ve done – reflection, meditation, energy work, self-examination and subsequent development of relationships between all my parts, constant attempts at self-awareness, ritual-work… all these things and more – helped me to feel sure in myself around others. I might not know what to say in daily social situations, but I do know that I’m a person in my own right who doesn’t need to make small talk to be accepted. My friends accept that I’m weird, and I accept that they are too.

Its helped me to recognise when arrogance or insecurity threatens, and to know that that is whats going on. I can then use that information to act in a way of my choosing (at least, I can sometimes, life-long processes here, you know?).

My magical work has helped me to map out the locations I want to pass on my journey through life, and has taught me that I want to experience each step.

It also taught me that I’m not perfect. Important for a Leo to know. And, it taught me that thats ok. I have the confidence to speak out when I think something is wrong at least some of the time, and I have the humility to know that sometimes the other person has a point, even if I still disagree with them!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have greater self-awareness than I used to, and I value that. I also have tools to deal with situations where I notice I’m behaving in ways that don’t feel right to me. I’m gaining integrity, and I’m stronger. Still soft, and yet more able to cope with knocks. I cry less, am happier in myself, and can ignore people who are simply being mean without taking their words personally.

Magic has also encouraged me to challenge myself, so, for example, I took drama A-level to face my stage-fright, and it worked.

In all the ways magic has touched my life, it has helped me to grow, to become more whole, to engage with the world and my own life. It has helped me relax my need for control over my life (somewhat, I still panic when I’m feeling powerless) and has helped me to find more power in myself in my life.

The map is not the territory, many magicians say. Well, no, but a good map helps when you set out on an unexplored path, and each life is exactly that… and magic is a tool kit for navigating the terrain, a tool kit with many maps…

Not only that, but it has a phone which you can use to call for help, or guidance with, or that you can be called on when you need a good kick up the arse.  At the other end are the Gods and guides and Guardians. For which I am grateful, even though I’m not quite sure what they want from me yet!

Philosophy Student and Occasional Fruitloop

23 Tuesday Nov 2010

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A new project you say? Really???

Yes. I’m going to be posting some of my philosophy essays and writings online at a new blog. In order to keep things simple, I’m going to post the beginnings of those posts here also, and if you like the look of it you are welcome to follow the link to the rest of the essay.

For example… I have written an introductory post explaining why I called this blog ‘Academic Edgewalker’. If you would like to read more click here.

The reasons for this are twofold. Firstly the occasional person has requested a closer look at what I’ve written in these essays. Secondly, the idea terrifies me. I wrote most of whats going on here initially over the four years of my undergraduate degree, and some of them are very weird, some of them are rubbish, and some of them ended in conclusions which run contrary to my actual opinions (or they at least appear to). Its also a risk to put them out there, not only because people might actually read them (which is possible) and think they’re wrong, rubbish or offensive (thats their opinion) but also because part of me would quite like to be an academic, and linking my academic thoughts to my less academic ideas (like the Faery heart project, I mean, what logic lets you believe in faeries, really?) might get me in trouble there.

But, you know, life is short, and I’m either going to be myself, or I’m going to hide and be sad. So, sod that for a laugh. If it gets me laughed at, then I can laugh too, I have written some pretty silly things. If it means I’m seen as unfit for academia, then maybe I don’t actually want to be involved in academia anyway. And if my friends read these and think I’m crazy, well, they know that anyway and still love me. So whats to lose?

And you know what, I’ve actually got some logic that’ll let me argue that believing in Faeries is rational. Maybe one day I’ll share it!