Tag Archives: familiarity

Haunted by Gods

24 Monday May 2010

Posted by in Magic

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I have, in my life, two rather different groups of gods. The Feri gods, and the Others.

I am still in the process of accepting these Others, although my actions tell me that I have, really. The altars, the offerings, the studying of their lore… all actions which say; yes, yes I see you. Yes, you are entering my life, and I am not fighting.

I’m not fighting anymore, but I’m still wary, still scared.

I’ve spent the past few years slowly opening up to the fact that one of Them is present… as gentle as She has been with me.

This year I learnt who the other face, the hidden one, was.

And in opening to this hidden piece, opening rather than hiding as I’ve always done (every night she came I cried out ‘go!’ And she would leave), in opening, I let the others in.

Some are still on the fringes, waiting for the right time. I know now that I cannot simply avoid them, they will arrive when they choose to. For now I am given work to do, to become strong, to learn things that can serve later, though I’m not sure how.

And all this raises questions.

Why did I avoid them? Was I scared of the power I can feel they hold? Was I scared of the reality, the reality in magic that I believe but often doubt? It feels that way. They are real, powerful, capable of turning my life upside down. And yet, they are being oh so gentle with me. This does not match the stories I’ve heard of them from others.

And so now, I doubt. I doubt that they are who I think they are… and then I remember the external confirmations (coincidence some part of me states firmly, I shake it away).  I doubt that they are really interested in me, and wonder if I’m just hoping that I’m useful. And I doubt that any of this will be useful, to anyone.

And here is where the hard lessons come in; trust, surrender, risk.

I heard once that it is better to fight with a sword in both hands and your heart open, than to hide behind a shield.

What else am I doubting? What other powers am I scared of? What is it that will come of this?

So I’m learning to trust, working out a way of building up a relationship with these beings that are entering my life, learning about the things they’ve pointed me towards… and generally finding that everything is enhanced as a result.

And I’m trying not to invite catastrophe by doubting them because my life is still up the right way!

Home Away from Home

10 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by in Reflections

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I’m sat in a room at a philosophy conference, in a strange place, with all my loved ones miles away. There is a strange feeling of liminality here, a beautiful conference hall in acres of land to wander in, trees rustling as the sun sets, and students gathered to perform philosophy. A place away from home, but still familiar, home to an event dedicated to an activity I love.

I can hear people through the walls, and yet I’m sat alone. We are here already, and yet the conference has not yet begun. I find myself waiting…

I look around me, this year I have properly unpacked, I have put my things in spaces, temporarily designated as their proper places.

I open up my laptop on the desk and start it up, feeling like some modern writer opening a new version of the old writing kits, laying out the pieces, putting everything where it should be.

The wallpaper, my familiar icons, it all puts me at ease, and I realise that I’ve carried something very familiar with me, a little piece of home.

My laptop is many things: writing tool, connection, art-medium, games console, TV, entertainment station.

It is also familiar, set up how I want it, messy and disorganised, icons everywhere, files in multiple places at once, cluttered… and also homey, indicative of my life, comforting.

Its funny how the things we use become parts of us, however temporarily, extensions of our selves, expressions of our personalities.

Its funny how, so far from home, such a strangely unnatural-seeming object can be the most natural to use, the most comforting, a little piece of home.