How often have I tried to hide?
I know it would be safer to keep my head down, to keep my lunacy separate from the rational academia in which I’m slowly-slowly carving a place for myself, and yet I also know that to hide is to deny myself.
So I shut my eyes and I leap.
I see a scary thing ahead, and I take a deep breath and tell my Sensible Self to close her eyes… and then the moon-kissed heart of me steps off the cliff and trusts the wind to carry her.
It’s never dropped me yet.
I know as well as you do the risks of being seen as crazy – it’s a not-so-secret fear of mine, you know? – if they see me and dismiss me I’ll be left out in the cold. If they think I’m crazy they’ll turn me away… I’ll lose friends and opportunities and it’ll all be for nothing.
So says my Sensible Self. She has good reason to believe these things, and yet I know that even if the worst happens, the Wind will not drop me. At least, he will not drop me far!
I’ve friends who have seen me star-struck and moon-kissed and standing on edges. I’ve friends who’ve stood beside me as I’ve opened doors and boxes which Sensible Me says would be better left closed. In leaping I’ve found people who encourage me to fly, even in the most unexpected places.
Those who shake their heads and sigh do not need to know my heart, but as long as I follow it, the Wind will carry me when the ground falls out beneath my feet. Those that know what flying means will soar with me, even if they ride another breeze.
And only those that understand dreams of flight are worth sharing my secrets with. Only those who already share a spark will understand what I say.
And so I come full circle.
No longer do I hide, but neither do I need to tell everyone I meet my deepest, brightest secrets. That those lights guide me is no reason to announce it to the world.
My dreams, my passions, my obsessions filter into my academic work, and you’d be amazed at how often people ignore the bits they do not understand. It’s not easy to have a touch of the irrational in a world of rationality, but they feed each other and both grow stronger from it.
I am me. Every day I learn to be more me, I am always becoming, and I do not hide…
But I do keep secrets.
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